The ho’oponopono technique
Letting go and grief… It can be so hard to let someone go. When we lose, leave or need to let someone go it can be hard to move through the grief created by that loss. We can often feel like we do not have closure and the situation/context can mean that contact and conversations are no longer possible.
Then there are the times when we are still in some sort of relationship with someone but just experiencing conflict or emotional challenges be it a friend, family member or work colleague.
It is easy for our brains to become preoccupied with the loss, pain, conflict or circular thoughts about the relationship, that just don’t service us.
The Hawaiians have a beautiful releasing and healing practice called Ho’oponopono.
The word ho’oponopono roughly translates to “cause things to move back in balance” or to “make things right.”
The practice consists of 4 simple and powerful phrases that you repeat in a daily practice (I suggest for at least 28 days). You say these 4 phrases to yourself but send them energetically to the person who you need to let go of or are experiencing conflict with.
This technique of reconciliation and forgiveness can also be a powerful self healing practice when turned towards ourselves.
It can be natural to resist this practice at first, but after a few times, it gets easier. You might feel better right away, or experience a slow evolution in how you feel.
I am sorry.
(Please) Forgive me.
Thank you.
I love you.
The Ho’oponopono Practice
There are four forces at work in this practice:
Repentance,
Forgiveness,
Gratitude,
and Love.
This ancient Hawaiian practice is a process of making things right in your relationships, including with ancestors, the earth and yourself.
The PRACTICE
1. Take a few deep breaths with your eyes closed.
2. Slowly repeat these phrases about 7 or 8 times. Say the phrases silently in your head or out loud to yourself but send them energetically to the person you wish to address the practice towards. To do this, imagine the person and imagine sending these messages to them (but do not actually tell the person you are doing this).
“I’m sorry, Please forgive me, Thank you, I love you… I’m sorry, Please forgive me, Thank you, I love you“— and so on.
3. End with a few moments of silence to let the message resonate. Open your eyes. Notice how you feel?
I have found the ho’oponopono to be a beautiful practice of healing and balance. Try the practice for 28 days and notice what has changed for you, you may well be surprised by its effects.
Thank you for reading, Lou
Hi Lou have just found this on your site …I really love this , so simple yet deep…
I will be practising xx
Hi Sheila, I’m so glad this resonated with you. It really is a beautifully simple but deep practice, and many people find it supportive in surprising ways. I hope it brings some ease and gentleness into your days as you explore it. Warmly, Lou xx
In regards to ho’oponopono: Why do we ask forgiveness from somebody who betrayed us? I tried this practice recently but I cannot understand it, what am I sorry for? Being robbed? What am I asking forgiveness for? My parents loving me? What am I thanking them for? Taking what is mine and wiping me ? Isn’t this a victim accepting abuse? I did tell them I loved them to their face but it is not returned. How do we sever the memory of their existence and family betrayal, that is how I feel I need to heal. The narcissist won’t change, that is the hard thing to accept. If I could erase them from my memories then the hurt is gone and ability to trust others restored.
Thank you so much for sharing this, and I’m really sorry for the depth of hurt, betrayal, and confusion you’re carrying. Your questions make complete sense when someone has been deeply wounded by those who should have cared for and protected them.
Your comment highlights the important need to clarify that Ho’oponopono is not about taking responsibility for someone else’s abuse or harmful behaviour, nor about asking forgiveness from the person who hurt you. It is a symbolic, internal practice — directed toward your own nervous system and the parts of you still holding the emotional residue of the relationship.
For example:
“I’m sorry” can mean “I’m sorry this pain lives in me, and I acknowledge it with compassion.”
It can also mean “I’m sorry I can no longer keep a relationship that harms me.”
“Please forgive me” can mean “Please forgive me for holding onto what I no longer want to carry, even though none of this was my fault.”
Or “Please forgive me for choosing boundaries or distance, because caring for myself must come first.”
These meanings never place blame on you. They honour your strength and your right to protect yourself.
Ho’oponopono is not about offering love or apology to someone who harmed you. It is about loosening the hold their actions still have on your system — only if that feels safe or helpful. And you’re right: some people never change. Healing often requires distance, boundaries, and grieving the relationship you deserved but didn’t receive.
Your longing to erase the memory comes from deep exhaustion and heartbreak. That’s completely understandable. While we cannot erase the past, we can soften its grip so it no longer shapes our present or our ability to trust.
Thank you again for your honesty. Your pain deserves gentleness, not pressure to forgive or forget.
Warmly,
Lou